Tag Archives: twins

Separate Birthday for Twins

Twins' Birthday Celebration 2008

For the first time in 16 years (if you count their birth), Isabella and Zachary were not together to celebrate their mutual birthday. Isabella celebrated her 15th birthday at camp, while Zachary celebrated (just barely) at home. I offered to bring him and a few friends to Rockaway Beach or Coney Island. He said thanks, but no thanks. At the end of the day, we asked him with he wanted — a cake.

OMG. I didn’t have a cake. The morning were getting ready for Isabella’s camp, I thought about her birthday, which was three weeks in the future. My sister Carla (knowing that I would not have everything ready) came over. She immediately stepped in to help. I was concerned that Isabella would not have a proper birthday cake for camp. They’d have a cake that she wouldn’t be able to eat.  What’s the fun in that. So Carla baked a gluten-free cake for Isabella. I found cardboard discs to store the cake and put them in the car to cool on the ride to camp. We had the icing in a separate container and asked the camp director to freeze the cake layers and put it together for her birthday.

Isabella Celebrating at Camp with a Homemade GF Cake

Weeks before my twins’ birthday, I  collected gifts to send to Isabella — an American Girl magazine, a puzzle, a dress, Katy Perry stuff, a few treats. Before I left on a business trip, I instructed my husband to mail the thoughtful gifts to Isabella. Victoria went into work late the morning of Isabella’s birthday, so she could give her birthday wishes on the phone at the pre-assigned time. A lot of thought went into Isabella’s birthday.

Zachary, her twin, who was home with us for his birthday, was another story all together. I did not bake him a gluten-free cake (nor did his Auntie Carla). At 9 pm, my husband and I rode our bikes to Ben & Jerry’s for an ice cream cake. The only ones available served 25. We ran into some friends (not random, our families are close, really!) and invited them to celebrate. I left it to Zachary to invite his friends. He showed up with just a few guys following the Harry Porter movie. After everyone left, he wondered aloud if he’d be getting any presents. (He certainly observed the cake baking and gift pile for his twin.)

Zachary Celebrating his 15th Birthday at Home

OMG. Presents. We did not have a single present for Zachary. I panicked. I told a white lie, saying that his birthday gift was in the mail. “What was it?,” he justifiably wanted to know. How should I know? I hadn’t ordered anything. Yikes! Bad mommy. Luckily, I was at the High Line this morning and passed an Apple store — an iTunes gift card would do the trick.

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The other siblings

Of course, a book with the title Twin appeals to me as a mother of twins. This book is especially pertinent to me. It’s authored by the twin of a disabled (I do not like that term) twin. Um. What does he have to say? The author is Alan Shawn who happens to be the son of the former editor of The New Yorker. Okay, that probably means that the book is well-written.

The book starts by Shawn revealing that his phobias (which are many) are due mostly to the fact that his sister was shipped off to a residential living facility following a summer at camp. He as also inherited a few phobias from his father. (Aren’t all very bright people a bit off?) And he tells us several times that his father had a protracted love affair while he was raising his family. (This fact is not particularly germaine to the what happens to the other sibling theme, though it does make for interesting reading.)

The most poignant part of the book is when the writer’s literary father observes that Mary (the institutionalized twin) is a happier than they are. This is something to think about. It’s the parents who mostly suffer…and the closest in age sibling (according to the book). Parents bemoan the life that they believe that the disabled child ought  to be living. This is very far from the life that the child lives in real life, of course. Hence, the term “bemoan.” The parents are unhappy because they believe that the child is missing out.

The child, however, does not think that she is missing out. She lives in the same lovely home as her siblings. She eats the same nutritious food (and then some) as her siblings. She has relationships with the same relatives. She goes to school and has friends at the school. The school isn’t the same as her twin and only was for a short time in her educational career, but she’s okay with that. In fact, she’s okay with everything.

Once, I asked Victoria if she’s missed having a normal sister relationship with Isabella. Victoria coolly responded how can she miss something that she never had. I quickly pointed out the other sister relationships in her life, such as mine with her aunt. She just looked at me. WTF. I’ve come to believe (or pretend to believe) it is what it is.

For me, the major theme of the book was not be sure to keep your other children in the loop least they end up with the problems. It was each person in the family impacts the other. Zachary, Isabella’s twin, would not who he is  today without living with Isabella. Of course, the twin thing makes her influence on him more intense. Maybe it has something to do with being bathed in the same amniotic fluid or experiencing the exact same moments together in the womb.

You really never know how your kids will end up. In the end, you simply want them to be happy and to be loved.